Soul Matters
by Zurui Karasu
Summary: Companion piece to "Satin Sheets and Rose Petals", only it's someone else's turn to speak their mind! Is it possible to believe in fate when so much hurt has been dealt you? Or can the way your life plays out all be part of something you could only dream?


Author's note: Don't read this, it's absolutely terrible! No really! Run!

Reverse psychology not working? Damn... And I resorted to cheap stupid fan author tactics... ;_; I've sunk so low!

XD But I don't care! Anyways! I have to slap a little warning on this fic! It is rated R for strong language (Hey it's GAAV) strong sexual hinting of the yaoi kind and references to nonconsensual sex! ie rape, ie one partner is not willing! That said, please do enjoy!

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**Soul Matters**

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A Gaav Vignette

Companion to "Satin Sheets and Rose Petals" by Blacke Inke

The very first important thing I ever learned in my sorry pathetic life was learned the hard way…  

Not any different from the rest of these so called valuable life lessons or other bullshit they spoon feed to children and expect to stick around in their puny little heads when they become adults.  Not any different at all from the rest of this disaster of an existence that I swear should have been snuffed out ages ago…  It would have been better had they just outright killed me for my dissention, better to have just ended it all instead of leaving me twisting and wallowing in all this fucking anguish I had never felt so acutely before.  But then again, whoever said that I could expect kindness from anyone?  That was the very first thing I learned…

There is no such thing as fate…

I don't buy any of that romanticized soul mate, everything happens for a reason, destiny crap!  This can't be my destiny…  It just fucking can't be…  Hunted by people I once called brother and sister, my soul and body raped, ravaged and thrown to the mercy of anything and everything, bleeding from human wounds and feeling human pain.  After I had been so utterly humiliated, defeated and sealed inside a human body, I couldn't even defend myself, especially not after I had sacrificed any last shred of dignity to come to them, my brothers and sisters born of the Dark Lord, and they still mocked me…  Tortured me, tied me down, beat and laughed at me, and grinned as they forced themselves on me, raped me each in turn, then threw me to the dirt and watched smiling and giggling as I limped and struggled away with absolutely nothing.  Is it any wonder I wanted justice and suffered for it?  Was it right in anyone's mind that I wandered alone and betrayed for so long, trying so hard just to survive, trying with every shred of will I had not to feel anymore?

Of course it was…

It was right in everyone's mind, or I wouldn't have been alone…

More proof that we're all totally alone and fending for ourselves!  I dare anyone to tell me I'm wrong…

That's the funny thing about servants too, especially ones you've had to win over after being left with none, they won't tell you anything they think will piss you off, though admittedly, I have a pretty short fuse.  I have zero patience for idiots, fuck offs, and screw-ups when even one tiny slip could mean my fiery, bloody, ugly destruction.  I'm positive they'd all just scatter happily if that happened however…  And it kills me that it bothers me so much…

It ripped me apart on a level I never thought possible when I finally gathered a measly bunch of seedy Mazoku willing to kill each other for any kind of payment and staked out an old abandoned mansion as a base of operations.  They fought and bickered over the rooms, shit they found there, and all I could do was scream at them to shut the hell up, slam the door to what was obviously the master bedroom, and finally catch sight of myself in the dusty full body vanity mirror propped sorrowfully in a corner.

It stopped me dead in my tracks…

And I realized with sudden all consuming dread I had never seen myself in my human form…

I walked slowly over, wiped the thick layer of dust away with the palm of my hand, and wondered only for an instant who was staring back at me from the dingy glass.  I thought for that brief horrible moment, that the dark creased skin could not possibly be mine, the long blood red hair only vaguely reminiscent of my old dragon form, but when I looked into the pair of anguished midnight blue eyes staring balefully at me from inside that gruesome image, there was no mistaking the mark of myself and my soul.

I stood there trembling for the gods know how long, hands on my face, ripping savagely through my tangled hair, watching that reflection copy my every move and still hearing Dynast's voice hissing in my ear over my screams of agony and between his sickening moans of pleasure that they had made me such a beautiful piece of trash…  I could still hear myself screaming, cursing their names and thrashing wildly against the chains that bound me, while Dynast held me down, Zelas and Dolphin just watched in glee, and Phibrizo…  Phibrizo just stood there, looking almost remorseful, but now that I think of it, it was probably just because he loved that little boy's form and no matter what he did, he always looked so damn playful and innocent.  He never wanted anyone to know what he was feeling, and perhaps somewhere deep in any shred of soul he might have had, he felt sorry for me, but he still just stood by and watched…

Watched that fucking bastard Dynast rape me…

Watched Zelas and Dolphin cackle together as they tightened the chains until they cut into my flesh, tore their claws and teeth into my skin and sucked the black blood from my open wounds before they too satisfied some primal urge to force their brother to the bottom of the heap with utter domination and shame…

And then him…  He took his turn to torment me just like everyone else had…

I had been closer to Phibrizo than any of them, if one could say Mazoku Dark Lords could be close, but when I looked into those cold yellow eyes for the last time, I knew I could never forgive him…

The memory of it all came flooding back as I stared at my hideous new form, and my screams once again echoed distantly as I put my fist through the mirror, and this time, all that answered was the sound of shattering glass…  No one even came in to see the source of what must have been a positively gruesome sound, and I spent the night alone on the cold wooden floor, surrounded by winking pieces of shining mirror that flashed and sparkled with the light of the stars and moon through the window across dark black stains of blood.

I never forgot that feeling…

I could never even dream of forgetting spending that night completely frozen and utterly abandoned with only my memories…

Or the next day spent smashing any mirror I could find…

I remembered my former glory, the power, the fear, everything that had been ripped from me and destroyed as I watched, and vowed to get my revenge no matter what it took.  

I would be lying if I said I never felt powerful again, and I would also be lying if I said I didn't mind the fact that I had been violated on every account possible, and instead of shirking it off and simply being done with it and planning my next move, let it consume my being with hatred.  Having a soul merged with a human being was the worst punishment the gods could have offered me…  I felt every last shred of the betrayal and mortification sear like fire into my mind and soul because of it.  I tried so hard to harden myself to it, tried so fucking hard to look like the ruthless Mazoku Dark Lord I had once been, but no matter what the hell I did the scars and wounds still ran too deep for me to heal alone.

I couldn't bear being in so much real, actual, and scathing pain…

I couldn't stand not having anyone know or comprehend or even care…

But what hurt the most was actually feeling like I had absolutely nothing, and knowing it was true beyond all doubt…

I wandered for days, weeks, months, then years, fighting, destroying, slowly wiping my past from my memory as it grew more distant, and I saw no traces of the other four Dark Lords.  They all seemed completely content to collaborate on a four pointed seal on a section of the world without mine, and forget that I was ever one of them, forget that I was once trusted more than any of them by the one person they lived to please.

But I was a filthy traitor now…

Because I only fought to save myself, not for chaos…

Because I was shunned for believing that perhaps we should all just be allowed to survive…

And I finally accepted that thought, and turned my heart to ice…

It was the only way to survive, to seal absolutely everything away and become what they already thought I was, what I had slowly been reaching for, and then realized ultimately at last.  I was no longer Shabranigdo's trusted confidante, Phibrizo's best ally or anything at all anyone or to them.  I was Demon Dragon King Gaav, the traitor, and that was just damn fine by me.  I killed in my own name, I ravaged what I could, destroyed and manipulated those I could, and bore it all with the callous, condescending, and icy cold smirk that became my trademark.

If I was smug, if I took what I had and made it into something to erase my shame, then I thought I would be fine…  If I could only sway people to fight for my side, to believe in what I believed in, if they fought to save themselves like I did, then I would certainly be able to win!  So I let that overtake me instead of sorrow and hatred…  Let me laugh at them then, and smile cruelly as I drove my sword through their chest and hurled their soulless corpses to the ground and stand victoriously and have my godsdamned last laugh.  I was still Demon Dragon King Gaav, and I did _not_ just roll over and fucking die…  

I fought coldly and mercilessly for years, spilled guilty and innocent blood, completely emotionless, until that is just before the war seemed like it was drawing to a close, and I found myself lying low in the virtually unoccupied western deserts for a current complete and total lack of servants.  There were rumors of the last of the Ancient Dragons, one final clan of survivors that had managed to escape the spears of the Goldens, that had finally been stopped there, save for one young drake who bested almost every beast to dare force him into combat.  They said he fought with the ferocity true to the reputation of his race, and should anyone stare into his eyes they might drop dead for the mere fear of what he might do to them should he manage seize them in the wicked claws of the Ancients.  The name of Val was infamous among natives and townsfolk of the area, so naturally I was intrigued, and ventured out to see if I could catch a glimpse of this vision of glory, holding out to the very end to save his dignity and his life.  

Of course never really yet realizing the bitter irony of the entire damn situation.  What can I say?  I was just morbidly curious!  I never expected to actually find the bastard, but when I did, all I'll say is that the very scenes playing out before my very eyes were like shadows from the past.

I felt the telltale bursts of energy and anger from a rather fierce fight, and rushed to their source, only to find the bodies of two slaughtered Ancients and six Goldens with a trail of blood leading away from the scene.  Following that for only a short distance, I watched a black streak fall from the sky, followed closely by a hail of gold, and observed in utter horror from a distance.

In his human form on impact, a broken and mangled scrawny figure with long teal hair plunged into the scalding sands and slid for a few feet before managing to shakily right himself, facing his adversaries with nothing but hate in his cold amber eyes.  The last Ancient stood defiantly before the cackling group of Ryuzoku as they descended before him, narrowed his eyes and readied a wavering attack as the Goldens mocked him, told him he was done for and to just let them have their way with him.  I could only watch as they wrestled him to the ground, obviously weak, starving, and exhausted and still putting up the fight of his damn life, rip into him laughing, tearing his tattered tunic off and pressing him into the ground as they beat him.

Val struggled and screamed, slashed, thrashed, bit and did everything he could, but there were just too many for him, and he looked so tired, but he never gave up…  Not even when they grew weary of attempting to torture him, I was clenching my fists so hard my palms felt as if they would bleed, and all of the Goldens quickly changed into their own human forms, and looked at Val with a hunger in their eyes I remembered all too well.

I had been thinking the entire time I should do something, but being a Mazoku, if it didn't concern me, I should have just been content to watch!  That's what I had always known, always felt, and always been told, but as I watched Val protest savagely as it required several Goldens in human form to pin him firmly to the ground, listened to them laugh to each other about how pretty he was, and what a shame it would be should he go to waste and finally that they were all going to be able to say they, "Fucked the last Ancient," and what an honor it would be, and watched Val's eyes flicker with a sort of resigned nobility as he held his head high, I could never have lived with myself if I hadn't done something.  The first Golden had just gotten the buckle of his belt undone, and knelt before the dying Ancient who closed his eyes and hissed a nasty curse at him in his native tongue when I stepped in, and when the whole gang of Ryuzoku heard my voice in their stupidly unguarded mind links, they all stopped dead in their tracks.

"_I wouldn't do that, if I were you," I warned them with a particularly abrasive grin, and it was almost funny the way they all turned in unison to the little dune I stood perched on and shrank in terror.  No one could possibly not know who I was, how ruthless I had been, and those Goldens would have had not damn a shred of wit if they had disobeyed a direct caution from a traitorous Dark Lord.  I don't think Val saw me, but as soon as they stopped he managed one last weak struggle, and the Goldens turned back to him, sneered condescendingly and threw him face first into the sand and sent him sliding down a small dune._

They swiftly transformed back into Ryuzoku form, loomed over Val who propped himself back up enough to shoot them a complacent smirk back, then agreed with each other that, "The bastard's done for," and, "He wouldn't have been a good lay anyway," and finally, "Lets get out of here…" and flew off angrily.  Val watched them go, still grinning, and chuckled quietly and painfully to himself, a horrible gurgling sound that ended with him bent over and hacking mouthfuls of blood to the sand.  The last Ancient was dying, knew he was and yet still laughing, and I think the smile the crept over my lips was genuine as I watched him have his last laugh alone in the desert.

I should have just left then…

I had done my part, I had spared someone else the violation I had endured and all the feelings to go with it…

But I couldn't bring myself to leave him there to die…

He was just like me…

Like I had proved time and time again, it's always disturbing to see your own reflection in something you didn't expect, and though I don't know what pity feels like, it's the only word I can think of to describe what I felt as I watched Val sit cross-legged in the sand and wait for his death.  

And so I would become to just one person, Gaav the savior…  

He looked up as he saw me approaching, and I watched the same determined glare in his eyes return as he mirrored my grin and shook his head.

"So, has Lord Gaav the Demon Dragon King come to watch me die?" he asked fiercely, "Well I may not be finished just yet!"

I just stood there as he attempted a valiant effort to transform into his Ancient Dragon form, but blood spurted from deep gashes in the battered black body and all he accomplished was another hideous sounding cough of blood to the sand as he collapsed.

"You're finished, young Val of the Ancient Dragons…" I chortled back, Val looking mildly disturbed that I knew his name, "Are you afraid?  Now that you're dying?"

"What does it matter now?" he snarled wearily, dropping his head.

Just like me…

Without even consciously knowing I had said it, I had said it, and Val raised his head again, looking at me with curiosity and desire in those deep fading and glazed eyes, so I offered him a deal, a deal he could have very well refused!  Die and become my servant, a Mazoku, serve me and live, and get your revenge, and I get unconditional servitude, someone who would have no choice but loyalty being bound to me through my own power.  What better servant than an Ancient turned Mazoku?  I fully expected him to tell me to go to hell and fucking die, that he would have rather been raped and murdered by the Goldens than join the Mazoku, but he smiled at me again, that same determined wily grin, and staggered to his feet, painfully limped the short distance to me and collapsed against my chest.

I held him there protectively, marveling at the words he spoke, that to him it, "Wouldn't be so bad at all really…" and thrust my sword cleanly through his chest.  I didn't want to hurt him, amazingly, and I was glad when it seemed that the sword hurt very little, but as his last shreds of life ebbed away and I infused his body and soul with my power, he uttered a soul wrenching scream that I would remember for the rest of my days.  I gave him my name…  I had no one left, he was my only ally, and as consciousness faded from his being and he collapsed one final time into my arms, I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

I carried him back to my mansion, staring at the bright red markings that had appeared on his cheeks and side, and the thick gnarled horn jutting out of his skull that had all appeared out of nowhere, as if only to reinforce the fact that I had killed the last Ancient.  

But I had saved Val…

I kept watch over him for days as he tossed and turned, moaned and screamed and fought the change, and all I could do was hold him in my arms, rock him gently and sing ancient songs softly until he calmed down.  I don't know if he remembers me doing that, but I was so desperate not to lose him, that it would somehow mark my ultimate failure if he died, and that it would mean the end of my only companion that would ever truly stick by me.  He eventually survived and accepted his new nature, but not after several violent attempts to get me to either let him go or let him die, the last one of which ending in me just holding him tightly as he cried for hours, then falling asleep with him in the bed and him waking up rather embarrassed.

I remember that quite fondly now…

I remember training him, cutting his hair and finding new clothes for him…

Watching that gleam in his eye grow brighter with every passing day…

Watching him slowly come back to life…

Making him a part of me as much as I was a part of him and finally treating someone with kindness who accepted it so willingly…

Watching the looks the other servants I acquired gave him as we walked together down the halls…

When we became completely inseparable…

They were always so godsdamned jealous, Kanzel, Mazenda, Seygram, but I didn't care.  I wanted Val by my side as much as he wanted to be there, and having him around was oddly comforting. Val was the only one who had stood by my side completely and with all of his heart, Val was the only one who treated me like someone he cared about instead of someone he served, and in the end, I think he was grateful that we just so happened to meet on that day.  Not that we were destined to meet, it was just a lucky chance!

Or so I thought…

Being with Val seemed so bright and good…

And I grew to care about him…

Care a little too much I think…

I almost got him killed once too, one of the first battles I felt confident in his health and abilities to let him accompany me to.  He fought beautifully, flawlessly, I was never more proud of anything in my life, and we nearly emerged completely unscathed, but losing himself in the love of war and bloodshed inherent in all Mazoku, he forgot he had no dragon form to call upon.  I watched absolutely stark still in shock as he fell, halfway transformed with a pair of mangled black wings and long wicked claws, screaming again in absolute anguish.  I could only look on as he writhed grotesquely on the ground, then simply lie limply, a vision of the pain I had caused him in his first transformation, and felt something inside of me just snap.

A normal Mazoku would have left his servant in that state, figuring if it had happened twice it would certainly happen again and it was merely a nuisance, and I had plenty of servants at the time.  Any other Dark Lord would just finish the battle on his own and move on!  Any other person of my power and in my situation wouldn't have cared at all…

But I wasn't a normal Mazoku anymore…

I finished the battle furiously and gathered my fallen servant, my friend, into my arms once more, carried him back to the mansion and put him in the best bed, my bed, and held his hand though his claws pierced through it and talked him calmly for days through the transformation.  I watched him struggle for life once more, face white as the sheets, glistening with sweat, halo of ratty black feathers around his wilted body, and voice hoarse and strained with the screaming, and felt again.  To this day I don't know what it was, whether I was worried about him, or if I was genuinely afraid, or maybe a combination of the two, but I silently cursed him for bringing emotion back to my soul.  I wasn't ready to lose him, I wanted him by my side forever, and I felt so damn unbearably empty at the tiniest little thought of living the rest of my existence without him.  So I bound his arm and sealed the power away, stayed by his side and stroked his cheeks, kissed his forehead, told him I was so sorry, promised I would protect him from then on, and held his hand until he woke up.

I have never seen anything so beautiful in my life…

The way he looked up at me with those brilliant amber eyes and smiled, like he was waking up to a reality of a dream…

The little laugh when I told him he really needed to stop doing that…

When he promised it would be the last time, and I squeezed his hand a little harder as I leaned down…

Kissing him gently and feeling my spirits soar as he kissed me back…

It was everything that was wrong with my human emotions suddenly turned so gorgeous and right!  I had never felt that way about anyone in my life, and feeling Val snuggle close to me as I crawled into bed with him and kiss me even more passionately than before just intensified it tenfold.  Though I think he was surprised I hadn't made some sort of advance on him earlier, that I hadn't demanded extra… Services from him, and that all I really truly wanted then was that kiss and to hold him close, but it felt so…  Good…  Just holding him as he slept…  It really didn't matter, just that we were together and neither of us felt alone.

I have no idea when he worked his way into my very soul, but that little son of a bitch managed to do it, and I felt awful leaving him behind the next time I left, but it was for his own good and I had sworn on my life I would protect him at any cost.  I felt godsdamn rotten any time I left him behind, but I couldn't risk it.  I only took a handful of servants each time, and I sort of rotated which ones came with me, left Val behind a little more often, but always gave him a kiss on the lips in front of just about everyone so they all knew why I kept coming back.  So they knew who I wanted to be with…

Even when a rather confused looking Val came into my quarters one day telling me I had a visitor I took him in with me on my arm, which I could tell delighted him to no end, and when I saw who was waiting for me in the main hall, never left my side though my hatred must have nearly bowled him over.  It was Hellmaster Phibrizo himself, brandishing an apology, and an offer to be forgiven and reinstated as one of the trusted Dark Lords completely absolved of my "Sins".  Val glared at him with me when I told him to get the fuck out and never show his face anywhere near here again, not even knowing why, even threatened Phibrizo on his own!

The little shit didn't even look fazed as he shrugged and asked me if my silly little "boyfriend" was more important to me than my former glory and power, than flying the stormy skies and inspiring terror in the ranks below.  If I liked having a little pet to, as he so delicately put it, "suck my dick on command" rather than being one of them and ruling all…

I had to hold Val back as Phibrizo laughed, and told me he supposed if I liked him so much I could keep him if I wanted, but I would perhaps be obliged to share…

When he looked at me like he used to and told me almost sincerely that he was genuinely sorry for what had happened…

That he and all the Dark Lords were and wanted me back in their court…

And I only had to think for a split second before I told him to go fuck himself, then crawl up his own sorry ass and die…

I had long vowed I would never forgive him, not after he had betrayed me like he had, and especially not after he had the sheer audacity to come back and try to fucking _apologize after that, not after he even thought for a second I would believe his crock of shit lies.  I wanted my revenge, I wanted to see him begging for my mercy after I showed him not to fuck with Demon Dragon King Gaav and I…  I wanted to stay with Val more than anything, so it ended up being the easiest decision of my life…_

Val even came to my bedroom that night, sat on my bed, took my hands and asked me what had happened…

And when I looked into his eyes, the words came surprisingly easily…

I told him everything…

Absolutely everything…

I told him ferociously how I'd been forced into a human body, how it had been the absolute last, and in many eyes, cowardly resort to go to the other Dark Lords, and how they had only laughed at me, tortured me, and with a lump in my throat, finally recounted the tale of my brutal rape, how I had been left naked and bleeding at the feet of my brothers and sisters and cast out and forgotten.

I'll never forget the look in Val's eyes while I told my story…

The first time anyone had ever looked at me like that…

Like he understood…

After a long silence, I told him he could go if he wanted, but he just kept staring at me, and all of a sudden and out of nowhere he wrapped his arms tenderly around me and promised that I would never have to feel that way ever again.

Because I had him now…

And he was so right…

That night I held Val in my arms as he kissed me, touched me and undressed me with nothing but genuine love in his heart and mind, and whispered my name into my ear passionately as we made love for the first time. I cherished every moment of it, the warmth inside of him, his moist lips on mine, his gentle touch and the sight of shimmering amber as he looked deeply into my eyes, and traced delicate little patterns on my chest lying pleasantly spent beside me.  He was so soft and so warm after so many years of nothing but cruelty, coldness, and apathy, felt nothing for me but affection, love, and devotion, and it was enough to even melt my heart as I kissed his horn affectionately and he drifted off to sleep with a sigh.

For the rest of the dark night as I lay awake with my lover dozing contentedly in my arms, running my hand through his silky hair, musing on everything that had happened and how damned good he felt, I couldn't help but think to fate again, and wonder if I had been too quick to damn it.  If perhaps normal Mazoku couldn't possibly be blessed with feeling the way I did because of the human side of me, or if that had just helped me learn what it meant to feel pain, sorrow, and even empathy and love.  Two words that were always highly forbidden and scorned.  If I had fought to return the world to chaos, would Val still be with me in the aftermath?  If I hadn't been raped and knew firsthand the torment and pain of it, would I have let it happen to Val?  Would I have raped him myself?  Would I have even saved him at all?

Would I have even heard his name?

Would I have been cheated out of the tiny whisper of, "I love you…" against my bare chest I don't think Val even knew he said in exchange for tears, hatred and foul looks every time I saw him?  Or even the hope of living out my days just like that…?  Living to eternity with him…

I love him…

I know I do, and I know Val loves me, I also I know we'll never say it aloud, but I just hope he knows how much he means to me.  It's not exactly the most romantic of existences, our mansion is old, dingy, dusty and dismal, but it's our home, and it's somewhere I can always come back to.  That's all I ever wanted, somewhere to come home and someone like him…  If I could, I'd buy him the best champagne, carry him up the velvet steps and lay him on a gilded bed covered in satin sheets and rose petals, but he doesn't seem to care.  He has to fight just like I do to stop himself from disappearing, to tell the world that he exists and he will fight to the death to keep it that way.  Still just like me…

I said I didn't believe in fate, but maybe I do…

Maybe it was fate that altered my life and set me on the path to finding him…

He would have died if I hadn't been there…

Raped and murdered and gloated over for years but the Goldens…

And maybe if my soul were still pure Mazoku, I wouldn't have fallen in love with him…

And then he wouldn't make me happier than I have ever been in my life and make coming back to that horrible place a joy instead of a pain…

He wouldn't come running every single time I came in that door…

I would never hear his laughter filling the halls with mine as we embrace and kiss like we'd been apart for forever even if it's only been a few days…

So then, if I do believe in fate, then do I also believe in soul mates?  Now there's a concept a Mazoku wouldn't dare dream of contemplating, but I don't know about that!  Perhaps there isn't someone automatically made for everyone, maybe we all just happen to stumble upon someone beautiful who happens to catch our eye and let our souls mesh.

And maybe, just maybe…

Your soul mate is someone that defies all odds, someone you know instantly, feel everything they feel and just simply exist perfectly beside…

Sounds almost like…

If anyone asked me if I thought Val was my soul mate, I would laugh long, loud and hard in their faces, but it would only be to cover up the wonder of whether or not I truly disbelieved that.  All I know now is I love him more than anything, I have him, he has me, and we can face anything together, corny and trite as all hell as that sounds, because I know I have a soul, I have seen it, and he is forever a part of it.

Hah…

So I suppose I owe fate some thanks and an apology then?

Well fate damn well better appreciate it…


End file.
